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George W Bush, President

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Memo to the Secret Service.

Re: My Strawberries.

Somebody ate my strawberries. I put them in the little fridge I keep here in my bunker on Air Force One, but now they're gone. I bet Koizumi's behind it. He's wanted my strawberries since he first saw them while visiting me during my first term.

Who helped him? Someone had to get into the bunker while I was out pretending that everything is OK. It wasn't Koizumi, because I was with him all day. My dog, Barney, swears that nobody came in, but I don't trust him--he's too close to Santorum. Besides, he was passed out drunk on my special medicine when I returned. He wouldn't have seen anyone come in. I want him banned from the bunker.

That leaves Condi, Laura, and Mom as suspects, because they're the only other people who have the code to the bunker. They all knew about the strawberries, but I made them swear that they'd never touch them for any reason other than to bring me to climax.

I want you to find out which one of them broke the oath. Put them on one of our CIA chartered flights to Damascus if that's what it takes. If that doesn't work, we'll invade Japan. I need my strawberries.

29 Comments:

  • Can't trust nobody no more, Mr. President. Do you know the whereabouts of Pilly the Pillow when the strawberries went missing? I have never trusted bed linens since they peed all over themselves and Hotel 6 blamed it on me.

    Shifty threaded woven bastards, the lot of 'em.

    By Blogger Ugluks Flea, at 7:57 AM  

  • Have you checked the daquiri maker for strawberry residue? You know how teenage girls can be about secrets.

    By Blogger melior, at 2:25 PM  

  • I DID IT AND PROUD OF IT

    By Blogger RANSON WEATHER PROPHET, at 2:57 PM  

  • Sir:
    You know full well the U.S.A.P.A.T.R.I.O.T. Act prevents me from making any mention of the strawberries' undisclosed location, or the fact that I may or may not have been approached by anyone seeking such information. Rest assured, however: once designated as enemy dessert-toppings, strawberries may be held indefinitely without charges or access to U.S. courts, and therefore pose no threat to our citizens. I am also prohibited, by law, from commenting on the nature of the red stains appearing in photos with our troops performing guard duty, even if such photos, stains, and dirty dishes existed, which I'm not saying they do.
    Mum's pie's the word,
    Capt. Twelve A.M. Midnight, E.S.T., C.E.

    By Blogger CapMidnight, at 5:44 PM  

  • Well, Mr. President, as you said back in July "[t]he best place for the facts to be done is by somebody who's spending time investigating it."

    But, if you can't find anyone who can find somebody to do the facts that need to get done, you're gonna have to do it yourself.

    1. If I was you, I'd start with the conclusion that Pootie-Poot did it. I mean, that's as good a place as any to start your conclusion, seeing how you looked deep into his soul and seen what you saw...at least that's what you said you saw after you seen down into his heart of hearts...or was that his pants?

    Anyway, get Pootie-poot on the phone and tell him that you're believing that he did it, and as usually you've got to fix the facts around the policy in order to catapult the propaganda. Anyhoo, make sure he's real clear understandin' that the United States "does not torture," and then follow that up by making sure that we United Staters operate by an old saying said in Tennessee...you know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee...that says, "fool me once...shame on...shame on you. You fool me...can't get fooled again."

    If Pootie-poot laughs, then you know he didn't do it (and you can propagate the catupult by saying that already knew that he didn't do it because you had looked longingly into his eyes and you decided that the facts couldn't be fixed around his deep soul). That can only mean one more thing (in addition to not excluding other things): turd-burglar did it (or is that turd blossom?)....well, turd something-or-other did it.

    You'll want to get his turdship into your Oval as quick as you can, and remind him what he told you to say back in 2000....or maybe it was 2004, you forget....that it was both of you and the rest of y'all who first complained about leaks of information about strawberries. Further, it didn't not matter whether the leaks be in the legislative branch or in the executive branch. And that it's your administration's and Cheney's administration's policy to take those leaks very seriously. And that you summoned him into your Oval oriface in order to know who leaked, and whether or not if anybody has got any information inside your oval, or the government, or outside our government who maybe leaked, and both he and you ought to take it to the Justice Department so together all of America, whether inside or outside, can find out the leaker....And, you know, and you know he knows, that there's a lot of leaking in Washington, D.C. It's a town famous for it. And if this helps stop leaks of -- this investigation in finding the hole truth about who stole your leaker, it will not only hold someone to account who should not have leaked -- and this is a serious charge, by the way.

    (and while your getting in his grill, makes sure you do one of them Presidential "!Fist Pumps!" that Your Badassness is all famous for and say to no one in particular "Feels good! Feels right!" because, in fact, short of shutting off leakers there's nothing that feels better than to get all up in another man right there in the Oval)

    If that don't work, I'd just shut everyone out of your professional life except the womb-men (get it? a girl ain't nothing but a man with a womb! Betcha didn't know that, eh? Learned that from the internets). Trust no one but Condi, Karen, Laura, and Momma...in that order, alphabetical to be exact...except that "Barbara" actually comes before "Momma" and you're going to have to decide whether it's going to make her madder for her to know she's ast in line of consultation, or madder that you called her by her first name instead of Momma....and calling her "Old Lady" ain't gonna work and MIGHT get Laura mad at you.

    GuLuck

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:00 PM  

  • Although Mom bringing little george to climax wouldn't suprise me any I would appreciate it if you wouldn't put such images in my mind!!

    By Blogger Terrible, at 10:45 PM  

  • Sir ... have you ever heard of fluoridation? Of the water? It's why I only drink pure rain water. And pure grain whiskey.

    I eat no strawberries. Strawberries are part of the International Communist Conspiracy to pollute all of our precious bodily fluids.

    By Anonymous General Jack D. Ripper, USAF, at 3:20 AM  

  • The strawberries are in an undisclosed location.

    By Blogger jemison, at 4:45 PM  

  • Sir, a duplicate key to the wardroom does exist. You've proved it with geometric logic, sir. The same which allowed you to make such an excellent call in the Middle East.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 7:03 PM  

  • Bush Buzz Babes!
    But SILENCE, it's a secret buzz!

    By Anonymous Jean-Christian Larrain, at 1:53 PM  

  • i bet the blueberries could be COERCED into speaking of the strawberries whereabouts. but i'd look in the blender. you probably just blacked out again.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 11:13 AM  

  • This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12:52 AM  

  • Oh, they'll laugh at you and make jokes, but not if you can prove beyond the shadow of a doubt, and with geometric logic, that they had the codes.

    Ah, but the strawberries. That's where you'll get 'em.

    Don't ban ME from the bunker, Prez. Not my fault! It was the meds.

    By Blogger Beazley, at 5:53 PM  

  • Use Thrifty Oil, Fuck Bush.

    http://retardedbushandpals.blogspot.com/

    By Blogger Da Kind, at 11:34 AM  

  • I have been calling radio talk shows and voicing my opinion in the recent past. I admit to being one of those wierd people that sits on hold for a chance to voicemy opinion to a large audience. My latest comments had to do with George Bush.What if George W. Bush had gone to Iraq and pulled 100 women and 100 children from the war zone and put them in shelters far from harm? What if we had put the energy of the thousands of Americans killed in action, to use planning a secret mission to go after the leaders of the terrorists? How much damage could we have done to the enemy while looking good in the eyes of our allies and others in the world?Did George take the time to learn the culture of our enemies? One effective tool in WWII was to dress as the enemy and learn their language and mix among them to sabotage their efforts to kill us. Covert operations can be very effective. If the images the world saw on TV were of women and children being saved and leaders of terrorists being eliminated, the message would be clear. We are a nation that takes care of the innocent and brings the criminals to justice.I fear the George has gone to far and the plots against us now might happen here on our own soil. How can we let the rest of the world know that we are not George Bush, we are the United States of America. We are a nation under GOD. What would GOD do in this situation?You might not agree with the war, or you might agree with it. It really makes no difference, George is making your decisions for you. You have no say in what he does. he is telling us what he is going to do, and not asking us what we think. I thought WE the people elected him as a public servant? What is a servant? What are elections? Think about this, George W. represents you and speaks for you. Right now he is telling the world that you want us to stay in Iraq and keep fighting an enemy that will change sides at the drop of a hat, and an enemy that is willing to die for what they have been taught by their parents and elders. In case no one has noticed, the current plan is not working! How about a NEW plan? This is not rocket science folks. If you are trying to kill a gopher with dynomite and in the process you blow up your own house and injure those that you care about, what was your original motive? Are you trying to rid yourself of a pest because it is doing damage to your yard, or has your anger and resentment for the creature taken you to a place that causes you to make decisions based on emotion and rash thoughts?If George loves this country and it's people and wants to show the world that he cares about life first, then he will bow out and allow someone with a new plan to take charge and re-institute the values that we used to build this country. I agree, Clinton had some problems in his personal life, but it should be apparent to all that more covert operations were happening while he was on office, and we had used the pay as you go system to get ourselve in a strong financial positions to gain respect from the rest of the world. Think about this, if our dollar becomes worthless and we are percieved as a weak country that cannot defeat a small middle eastern country that is much less sophisticated than we are, then someone out there might get the idea that we can be taken in a fight, and they might throw the first punch. How will you protect your family if we are under mass attack and our own citizens are looting in the streets? Mr Bush sir, I beg you, let an adult take the reins for a while.
    Thank you Dan T. Former Republican
    Now Liberal in California

    By Blogger Dan, at 3:54 PM  

  • Do you really think you're funny? You're not. You're a bunch of loosers with stupid opinions and you're mocking not only the President but America.

    You are all going to burn in hell, I don't say this to be mean but so that you can't say you weren't warned and try to weasle out of damnation. Jesus is coming back and He is PISSED at people like you, the mockers and the scoffers and the traitors.

    HAHAHAHAHA!! I hope you don't repent, so that you will have to actually PAY the price for your sins. You deserve to for spitting on the face of Christ.

    In Christ, Annie

    By Blogger AnnieAngel, at 5:58 PM  

  • Hi boss:

    Are you really Geroge W.Bush, the president of USA ?

    I cant believe it. Well, whatever, how are yo doing ?

    cheers..skjdesk (India)

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:00 AM  

  • Hullooooooooo

    boss..are you listening me ?

    cheers..skj

    By Anonymous skj, at 10:02 AM  

  • HEY!!

    Misser presnit, I know you're doin' hard werk, but could you please wake up out of your boozy stupor and post again?

    Thanks.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:47 PM  

  • Maybe you hid them with your coke stash but had so much JD you forgot?

    By Blogger Kathleen Callon, at 7:35 PM  

  • PURGE THE CFR (G. WIMP BUSH'S EMPLOYER) AT THE VOTING BOOTH IN 2006. AMERICA'S FREEDOM DEPENDS ON IT: http://deanberryministries.org/index.html

    By Blogger DEANBERRY, at 7:01 AM  

  • I HATE YOU BUSH!!!!!!!!!!you are sending too many people over seas and making people loose their loved ones. and the fact that u band gay marriges when its none of your business in the 1st place, so what if they love each other you have no place to say weather its wrong or right the onlyperson that can say that is god and you sure dont look like him to me!!! so you need to shut up cuz you have no clue what is really goin on in the U.S.A today.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:11 PM  

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  • I eat no strawberries too..

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