Memo to the Secret Service.
Somebody ate my strawberries. I put them in the little fridge I keep here in my bunker on Air Force One, but now they're gone. I bet Koizumi's behind it. He's wanted my strawberries since he first saw them while visiting me during my first term.
Who helped him? Someone had to get into the bunker while I was out pretending that everything is OK. It wasn't Koizumi, because I was with him all day. My dog, Barney, swears that nobody came in, but I don't trust him--he's too close to Santorum. Besides, he was passed out drunk on my special medicine when I returned. He wouldn't have seen anyone come in. I want him banned from the bunker.
That leaves Condi, Laura, and Mom as suspects, because they're the only other people who have the code to the bunker. They all knew about the strawberries, but I made them swear that they'd never touch them for any reason other than to bring me to climax.
I want you to find out which one of them broke the oath. Put them on one of our CIA chartered flights to Damascus if that's what it takes. If that doesn't work, we'll invade Japan. I need my strawberries.