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George W Bush, President

Tuesday, January 20, 2004

Do you think I'm pretty?

I've been feeling really really really bad since my trip to Mexico. I just can't get over the incident with Scott Reid. You know, when a man tells another man that he thinks he's pretty, the courteous thing to do is to return the complement. Reid didn't do that. He just stood there stammering. Even more important, when the President of the greatest country in the whole world invites you to his hotel room to have a few drinks and watch wrestling, you go. That's called diplomacy.

The whole thing has me wondering if I'm pretty. I've always been a little insecure about that. Unlike my brother Neil, I've never had strange ladies come to my door and ask me to have sex--I knew he was smarter than me, but is he really prettier too?

I like to think I'm a pretty man, even though I tend to break out when I tell a lot of fibs. Thinking that you're pretty is important, but you also need to hear it from others.

Tonight, when I give my State of the Union talk, I want you all to tell me how pretty I am. Of course, I know you just can't yell it out, because Mr. Ashcroft won't like it--order is very very important to him. Instead, I'll say a code word, and when you hear it, you can tell me how pretty I am by cheering. If you think I'm really really pretty, you can stand up and cheer.

I'll pause while you cheer, so that I can see who's cheering the loudest and I might invite that person to come to my house after the speech. I really really really hope it's a certain Senator from Pennsylvania. I've bought a dog collar just in case.

The code word will be "freedom."

It would also be very helpful to me if you could compare my prettiness to others. So at various points in the speech, I'm going introduce people in the audience. When I do that, I want you to clap if you think I'm prettier.

Please overlook any blemishes I may have. I noticed that I had a few this morning after I practiced my speech. Hopefully my face will clear up by tonight.

Monday, January 19, 2004

Mexico is fun. Canada is evil

My friend, Gen. JC Christian, tells me that people are making fun of me for saying that a certain Canadian official is a very pretty man. I said that while I was in Mexico. I like Mexico. It's a fun place, but it seems like I always get in trouble there.

My father use to get mad at me for things I did in Mexico. He would yell at me and call me a useless drunk. Mother always defended me. "Leave W alone, you wimpy little bastard," she'd say, "people are supposed to experiment when they go to Mexico." Mother is always right. It's ok to experiment in Mexico and that's all I was doing when I said that man was pretty.

Our trip to Mexico was a success. Presidente--that's how they say "president" in Mexican--Fox even said good things about me. The Canadians were a different story. One of their officials denied a very important request that I made to him. We can't allow something like that to happen. That's why I've asked that Canada be added to our list of axes that are evil. I told Condi to put it in my State of the Union Speech.

I've also asked my man-secretary, Mr. Rumsfeld, to draft up invasion plans against Canada. When I told him why, he said that we couldn't get the American public to go to war over something like that. I replied that maybe we could say that they had bad weapons hidden in their vast natural gas reserves. That made Mr. Rumsfeld smile really big, and he said we'd that we'd liberate Edmonton by Easter.

Tuesday, January 13, 2004

Paul O'Neill is a big fat fibber

I was excited when I heard that Mr. Cheney had hired Paul O'Neill to be his man-secretary who keeps track of treasure. Who wouldn't be? He was a real life baseball player!

One day, after one of the meetings where we talk about cabinets, I asked him if he'd teach me how to hit a slider, but he just laughed at me. That made me so mad that I wanted to call him a turd blossum. But I wanted him to teach me how to hit a slider even more, so I offered to let him use my NyQuil bong instead. He told Mr. Rove about it and I got grounded from going to play at Dan Quayle's house for a whole week.

Now, Mr. O'Neill is telling everyone that he thought I was blind in the meetings about cabinets. I bet that's why he didn't want to teach me how to hit a slider.

He might be right about me being blind, because I never see any cabinets at those meetings. Don't tell anyone about it though. They might blame it on the NyQuil.

Mr. Rove is really mad at him because he said that. I guess people don't like it when you're blind at those meetings because you might not put the doors on the cabinet right. It's sure made everyone mad at me. People are being very mean to me on the street.

Mr. Rove says that he's going to put Mr. O'Neill in jail for barrasing me. I hope so. Mr. He really is a big fat fibbing turd blossum. .