I've been feeling really really really bad since my trip to Mexico. I just can't get over the incident with Scott Reid. You know, when a man tells another man that he thinks he's pretty, the courteous thing to do is to return the complement. Reid didn't do that. He just stood there stammering. Even more important, when the President of the greatest country in the whole world invites you to his hotel room to have a few drinks and watch wrestling, you go. That's called diplomacy.
The whole thing has me wondering if I'm pretty. I've always been a little insecure about that. Unlike my brother Neil, I've never had strange ladies come to my door and ask me to have sex--I knew he was smarter than me, but is he really prettier too?
I like to think I'm a pretty man, even though I tend to break out when I tell a lot of fibs. Thinking that you're pretty is important, but you also need to hear it from others.
Tonight, when I give my State of the Union talk, I want you all to tell me how pretty I am. Of course, I know you just can't yell it out, because Mr. Ashcroft won't like it--order is very very important to him. Instead, I'll say a code word, and when you hear it, you can tell me how pretty I am by cheering. If you think I'm really really pretty, you can stand up and cheer.
I'll pause while you cheer, so that I can see who's cheering the loudest and I might invite that person to come to my house after the speech. I really really really hope it's a certain Senator from Pennsylvania. I've bought a dog collar just in case.
The code word will be "freedom."
It would also be very helpful to me if you could compare my prettiness to others. So at various points in the speech, I'm going introduce people in the audience. When I do that, I want you to clap if you think I'm prettier.
Please overlook any blemishes I may have. I noticed that I had a few this morning after I practiced my speech. Hopefully my face will clear up by tonight.