My wife Laura heard CNN on the TV and wondered why I'd be watching that. She knows I think news is stupid. I like ESPN, Fox Sports, and Nickelodeon. Sometimes I watch HBO, but General Ashcroft says that it's a wicked channel, and that I'll go to Hell if I watch it.
Anyway, I was kind of feeling..ahh you know...ahhh...like a bull in a pen full of heifers, so I decided to touch myself "down there," if you know what I mean. I tried to think of something kind of sexy but couldn't -- mom always said that I don't have a good magination.
I turned on the TV, but the sports channels weren't very helpful. Spongebob was on Nickelodeon, but Squidward wasn't in this episode. I had to look elsewhere.
Then I remembered that Mr Cheney is always saying how he'd like to do it with this lady on CNN named Polly Zong, so I decided to check her out. She wasn't on. It was some guy named Wolf Blitzer. Isn't that a cool name? I'm going to fire Mr. Rumsfeld and make Wolf Blitzer my Man Secretary of Defense. Nobody would mess with us then. They'd be afraid of tangling with someone named Wolf Blitzer. I bet he could even beat up Helen Thomas. She scares me. That's why I try to never look at her.
I don't like Mr. Rumsfeld anymore. He's always whining. He keeps telling Mr Rove and Mr. Cheney that he didn't screw up the war. He says it was Tommy's plan, so Tommy should get in trouble, not him. Now, we have to send more soldiers there, because Mr. Rumsfeld was stupid. Half of all our army and marines will be there. How are we going to fight the Serious and the Iranianians and the Koreas if half our troops are stuck in Iraqistan. I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever get my car now.
I forgot what I was talking about...Oh yeah, Laura and CNN. Well, while I was watching Wolf Blitzer and thinking how I should make him my Man Secretary of Defense, this Frederica lady came on. She was really purdy so I decided to do it fast while she was on the air. I really went to town. I was going so fast that my hand was a blur. It was like I was the Bruce Lee of touching myself. Laura walked in just as I was beginning to finish. That scared me, so I jumped up and knocked over the head statue thingy of Herbert Hoover that I like so much and squirted my man juice everywhere.
Laura made me clean everything up by myself. She also called General Ashcroft. We're going to have one of those talks about Jesus and "special gifts" again. I hate those talks with General Ashcroft. It's like he can see inside my head and know what I'm thinking. He might really be doing that. He's always talking about how he should be able to arrest people for thinking bad things. I hope he doesn't arrest me.